This morning I had my first OB appointment of this pregnancy and I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It almost felt like a reflief, that all the crappy feeling days I’ve had are actually for a reason. There really is a little beating heart in there. I mean, I was pretty sure there was because I can even feel some movement but sometimes I just doubted. I don’t know why. So, I’m happy to report that it’s alive and kicking and the growing baby bump actually seems to contain a baby 🙂
Up until yesterday I sort of forgot what pregnancy produces. Feeling sick all the time made me loose focus on what the end result will bring. A tiny little snuggly baby that we love no matter if it has colic and cries all the time and never sleeps…like the first one did.
I made this realization yesterday as I was moving the box that the new infant car carrier seat was in and I remembered how small they are when you bring them home and how tiny and helpless it will be. And now I’m excited and I want September 30th to get here faster.
In the meantime, we have an important decision to make. I say “we” but I really mean me. My daughter’s birth was – well, traumatic for me and probably for her as well. I was in labour for more than 17 hours and pushed for 4 making very little progress with getting her moved out. I was so exhausted I begged for a C-section because I just wanted the whole thing to be over and to hold my little girl…and also get some sleep. I’m skipping alot of information, like how the nurses were no help at all and how the on-call Dr wasn’t called until I finally demanded he be brought in, and how nobody monitored my epidural after it was administered so basically once it wore off, that was it. I had no idea what I could ask for and what I was entitled to. I’m also leaving out the part of how awful it was to be in recovery after the C-section while my husband got to show off our new baby to the whole family and I was the only one who wasn’t a part of it. I’m leaving out how we didn’t bond for like ever and she wouldn’t nurse and ended up being bottle fed. Yup, I’m leaving all that stuff out.
So, this time we are going to be informed. We are going to make a birth plan and be very insistant that it go according to said plan.
I still haven’t made up my mind about whether or not I want to try a natural birth this time as opposed to a scheduled section. There is a big part of me that doesn’t trust my body to be able to do it since I couldn’t last time. I know that psychologically, I need to be the right “place” in my mind to be able to do that. I’m scared, I’m not gonna lie. There are risks, although very minimal. It’s a very difficult decision. If anyone reading has an experience with VBAC I would love to hear what you have to say. Feel free to comment or comment saying you’d like to email me and I will write you back and you can share if ya want to.
I am happy though that my OB is very open to whatever decison we want to make. She is informative and wants me to ask questions and make a decision that I am comfortable with. I’m happy about this and I know that she’ll be supportive in whatever we decide. The only problem is, she is moving to BC and might not be around by the time my baby is born. Aw, that would be sad.
I think what I’m missing here as I read back over this post is prayer. I think if I really commit myself to find out what God thinks is the right thing then He will tell me. My problem lately is committing anything to prayer. Sad, I know, but I think I need to smarten up as this is one of the most important decisions I’ve ever had to make. It might not seem important to some but it really is to me. I would really like to have a pleasant birthing experience this time, which ever form that may take.
Ok, the end 🙂