Sort of an ironic title I suppose since Hurricane Noel is approaching our fair province to rattle us a bit tomorrow. I wasn’t really going to blog about the Hurricane. Maybe I will tomorrow after we see what happens. I’m just assuming a lot of wind and rain and hopefully not alot of damage.
I was actually referring to some decisions I have to make. It just turns out that I have to make them sooner than I thought. It’s no emergency really, one more phone call came today that requires me to get on my horse and do what I’ve got to do.
Yes, I’m being rather vague.
I’ve been kinda busy lately. Too busy. Busy to the point that I think it’s hurting my daughters sense of security. I didn’t realize it for awhile, I thought she was just in a “stage” but the more I think about what some experienced and wise freinds said, the more I think that it’s not her that’s the problem but me.
So, admitting the problem is the first step. Some may say that’s the hard part and it can be but for me taking action and changing things is harder. Especially when it means saying no to nice people. It’s not their fault I took on too much so why should they have to find someone else after I made a commitment? That’s my attitude and as silly as that may seem, it’s a very hard thing for me to change.
What I’m trying to remember is that my worries about what other people may think isn’t really the important part. My responsibility is to get C back on track and not worry about everyone else. God gave me her as my job, not other peoples children, not play group, not other stuff. Her and my husband and my home. That’s my job. I’ve been convicted of that long before she even came along but I went ahead and did it wrong anyway. Seriously, why do I keep doing that?
So back to the pouring rain part. I’ve been formulating in my head how to stop doing the one thing that gives me the most stress and I had just about had it figured out when I got a phone call from the the other mom I used to babysit for wanting me to do two days a week with her daughter. A while back I had said I would when she was ready but things have changed since then. I’m glad I wasn’t there to answer the phone because I fear the un-planned-ness of it all would have caused me to say yes which I really don’t think I want to do. The money tempts me…oh, it temps. And I don’t feel like trading one kid for another is right either. Why do I find it so hard to say no?
I’ve got another issue I need to get off my chest. Stick around…or not….I’m gonna write it anyway.
So, back in 2002 to about 2004 I suffered horribly with anxiety and panic attacks. It got to the point the I didn’t even want to leave my house and even then I would have an attack if someone came to visit or if I knew someone might come to visit. Oh, it got bad. I prayed and pleaded and prayed and pleaded some more for the Lord to rescue me from the miserable darkness that I couldn’t climb out of. And He did. He let me go through it for 2 years for some reason or another but do you know when it started to get better? When I obeyed God and stopped working so I could be home with my husband taking care of him and our home. We didn’t even have C at the time but God wanted me to be home so I could help fix our marriage. Even when it was happening I didn’t know what God wanted until long after I had been home and obedient to the Lord. And I believe that is why were blessed with C. She was born in 05.
The fact that I have to tell you that I am experiencing a return of some anxiety attacks scares the socks right off of me. Unless you’ve been through the deep dark trenches of depression or anxiety you can’t know the fear it generates knowing I could end up back there.
I had a panic attack at the hospital when my dad was sick. Nearly passed out, barfed on the floor. And since it’s been so long I didn’t even realize that it might have been one. (That one was probably legit seeing as my dad was sick and all.) Had another one the other day at the mall with mom. It came after knowing I should have kept chloe home to rest and then we went out anyway. Disobedient Jenn. I’ve been having the beginnings of them here and there just knowing I’ve had a couple lately. Panic attacks are evil.
So what does this tell me? It tells me I’m being disobedient and the only way God can get my attention is by doing what He knows gets my attention. Panic. Anxiety.
It’s how He gets me to rely on Him fully. Because I haven’t been doing that. And I need to.
Just pray that I get it before I have to be plunged back into the horribleness again. I’m a little scared. Yup, a little.
I just don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to drop things I know I shouldn’t or don’t need to be doing. What if I choose the wrong thing to stop? What if the Lord wants me to keep babysitting but to change my attitude instead?…even as I type that, I know it’s not true. I don’t think I’m supposed to be babysitting other peoples children. I’m having a hard enough time with my own. *sigh*
Ok, I think I’ve spilled all I’ve needed to for now.