So if you’ve read here at all in the last month or so you might have noticed my struggle. It came to a point when I knew I had to change something but didn’t know how, or even have the strength to do it.
For me, saying it out loud (or typing it online in this case) helps me kinda remember that I’m having some major issues and they aren’t just hiding in my head anymore while I bury them in other things. They always resurface anyway so why not just start to deal with them? Oh, if it was only that easy for me.
But I will say that I feel focused and energized today. I’m sure, thanks in great part, to two good friends who tell it to me like it is when I ask. They have no idea how much that helps.
I realized lots of things that I either had been ignoring or I didn’t know before. So with their encouragement playing in my head, alot of prayer, and a new attitude, I’m having an ok day.
Praying has been hard for me lately but I also realized that I don’t have to sit there for hours to pray like I used to when my relationship with the Lord was strong and close. I have to learn to pray again. So my goal this weekend was to have small but frequent prayers for God to change my heart and for Him to make me want to change my attitude towards the people who see me all day. I found myself remembering to pray a little bit when I started to lose control or wanted to say something that I shouldn’t have. Now don’t get me wrong, I made plenty of mistakes this weekend but at least the reminder was there and a little spark that didn’t want to be that nasty girl anymore. That’s progress for me.
I’ll give you an example or two: My attitude about babysitting has not been good lately. So on those two days, my daughter doesn’t get the best of me and the little girl I look after wasn’t getting any of me. Both of my wise friends suggested that I quit watching her if Mike was ok with me quitting. If he wasn’t, then I had to find a way to do it cheerfully. So I brought it up to Mike a couple times this weekend and expressed my concerns to him and at no time did he give me permission to quit. He didn’t tell me that I couldn’t quit either. I know he wants me to have an income. So, I decided yesterday that until he is a-ok about me quitting, I will smarten up and cheerfully babysit a little girl that my daughter really enjoys playing with anyway. It doesn’t have to be that bad. It just means giving them more time with me and already today, it’s working. I’ll always need to remember to pray though because I’m pretty sure there are going to be lots of times I want to tuck myself into a corner and ignore her. What I need to remember is if I’m ignoring her, then I’m ignoring C as well and teaching her a horrible lesson. I don’t want that to happen.
Example #2: I might have mentioned before that Mike never makes his credit card payments on time and this ANNOYS ME TO THE HIGHEST HEAVENS. I had been getting some weird satisfaction every month by making him feel horrible about the fact that it’s always late and blah, blah, blah until we end up fighting about it. But you know what? That never worked. He still doesn’t seem to have the time to make a payment (I still don’t know why but I’m over it) So I decided to set up our bills online so I can be responsible for paying them. Then, if they don’t get paid. It’s on me. But, oh, I will pay those little guys, early and often! Anyway, it’s a way I can help him and one less thing I have to be annoyed about. I’ll work on the other things little by little and figure out ways to make them less annoying to me.
So, if you’ve been praying for me, I’d like to thank you and report that God is listening and He’s working on me and I feel better. But don’t stop because I’m just beginning and I need LOADS of work to get back where I need to be.
And now you must sing my theme song out loud with me right where you are sitting. Come on, you can do it!
He’s still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the earth and jupiter and mars
How loving and patient he must be
He’s still working on me
Who knew that a song I sang on stage in church a few times as a child with my sister and a friend would be my theme song when I was 30.
Oh yes, I almost forgot, I’m committing myself to a review of 1st Peter this Friday. Even though it could be a lame review on my part, I’m gonna do it. I need to. If I say it here then I have to do it.