I guess that’s why they call it a ‘post’, eh?
Anyway, I know I said I would give you an update on how I was doing since my last post. I’ll be honest, I haven’t written anything because I don’t feel like I have anything to write. I really haven’t followed up very well on my quest to get back to Jesus’s side.
I like things to happen instantly and if they don’t, I tend to get really discouraged. So, of course, I am discouraged with myself and with my lack of dedication and with my apathy at times to what is really important. It’s kinda like that rut of disliking myself is just easier. Changing is hard. And even though I know I have to let God change me, my patience isn’t there to let Him do His work.
You know, I’ve struggled with some other things too this summer that satan is using against me for sure. At one point this summer, my faith was going away. And I don’t just mean my faith that God is in control of my life, I mean my actual faith that there is a God. I never thought I’d have those feelings again. I spent many years believing that there was no God and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have those doubts back.
The smart part of me knows that God is there and he loves me and wants to change me again because He’s done it before. I remember how He changed me and that it was totally not of my own power. But there’s that nagging in the back of my mind that just wants to doubt. I wish I knew why.
I had a really hard time with reading Genesis this summer. I just had SO many questions and there just seemed like so many things that didn’t make sense. And instead of just believing and knowing God can do anything, I spent time dwelling on alot of things that I don’t need to, but those things were what made my faith waver a little.
When I really take the time to sit and think about it, I know God is there, I know the Bible is truth, and I know God wants to work in me. I’m just kinda lost as to why He wants to and what I need to do to let Him do that work.
Dang. It’s way easier to be who I am and way harder to be the new creature God called me to be. I wish I could figure out what my resistance is. I want to know what’s holding me back. It sucks.
Well, just a little blurb on how I’m actually doing. Not so good, eh?