I really should be in bed.
But I have to type this…not for you but mostly for me but feel free to come along 🙂
So I was just praying and can I be real honest and tell you that it has been a LONG time since I prayed whole heartedly like that. I’ve been in a bad place and even the BRF reading hasn’t helped. It’s much too long a story to get into tonight but I will tell you that I have spent a forever not praying for the simple fact that I felt guilty about not praying. Everytime I would try and pray, the guilt would overwhelm me and I just couldn’t continue. It’s an evil, vicious cycle and I’m sure Satan has been real happy about it.
Anyway, As Christians, we eventually come to point of do or die. So I bowed my head in shame, battled through the feelings of guilt, and tried to find Jesus on the other side of the wall I built over the last few years. And of course, He was there and man did I feel peace. I haven’t felt that in a LONG time. I started just talking to God, like I used to. None of that “please bless so and so” and blah, blah, blah. I just poured out my heart. I started telling Him how hard it was for me to swallow my pride (cuz that’s what it is for me). Then it hit me. It isn’t hard. It doesn’t have to be hard. That’s why He’s there. He’ll take my burden.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how hard it is going to be for me to change the ways I’ve slipped back into. How hard it is for me to give up control (the major issue that I will always struggle with). How hard it is for me to not try and be the head of my family. How hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut when I know I’m just going to say something mean or hurtful. How hard it is for me to forgive things that happened in the past that I have been letting rule and ruin my life.
And again. “It’ s not hard”, He said. “You pray and I’ll change your heart.” It was like I heard God say that right to my heart.
Guys, I’m tellin ya. HE CHANGED ME COMPLETLY ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO AND I LET MYSELF GO ALMOST ALL THE WAY BACK! What have I been thinking?
So I know this post is a bit random but it’s time I quit the charade. All that “funny” writing I did over the summer? Just there to hide a lot of pain and self hatred. It’s true. I still have the pain and I don’t like myself one little bit but at least tonight I see a light. I didn’t see any light for awhile. I lost sight of the light. I know it sounds drastic and probably dramatic but I’m not writing for laughs, or comments, or anything other than to be honest and make a new start.
Hold me accountable. Ask my if I’m really praying. I don’t know if anyone noticed because it’s been a busy summer but I even lately started pulling away from alot of you who know me. I didn’t want you to see through me and see the hypocrit I am. It’s easier to run the other way. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be transparent so I can be held accountable. God can see right through us so why should we hide from our brothers and sisters who could help?
I’m going to try and keep blogging honestly from now on. Pray for me. I’ll let you know how I’m doing.
Pressing “publish” is going to be tough.