Monthly Archives: September 2007

I don’ t know what to title this one. This has been a very weird week for our family. And by weird I mean emotional, I guess.

Tuesday evening about 9 pm my mom called and asked me to pray for my dad and for me to call my sister and ask her to do the same.

For the last year, dad and some doctors have been trying to figure out why he is in discomfort all the time. He’s lost about 35 pounds and can’t seem to eat anything that won’t bother his stomach. One doctor said IBS so dad ran with that. One figured he had an allergy to milk so that was the newest thing to avoid. He had some medication that seemed to be helping ease the pain but there were still lots of things he couldn’t eat and he couldn’t quite nail down what they were.

Anyway, last weekend the pain started coming back and by Tuesday he couldn’t really stand for any length of time. I think dad was trying to hold out becuase he had scheduled a Dr’s apopintment for wednesday and thought he should just wait. But by tuesday evening, mom knew he needed to go to the hospital. After talking to me and my sister on the phone she persuaded dad to let her take him to Emergency.

Right away they did x-rays. It revealed a blockage of some sort in the lower intestinal area. He had a cat scan the next moring and was on the list for emergency surgey. They were told it’s most likely cancerous.

Cancer is a scary word.

When mom called and told us that information I had one million emotions but pushed most of them away. It was kinda strange. I think I was mostly mad because I thought someone should have found something like that by now, right? I mean, he’s been sick for over a year.

I have a tendancy not to lose my head in situations like that. Which is odd becuase I easily lose my head over much less important things. I am a complicated and strange individual. I never really had any negative thoughts. I never really got scared. And I never cried or got sad. I automatically made up my mind to wait until there was something to react to. I knew the surgery would be key in determining how I would feel.

So, Wednesday afternoon me and C went into the hospital with my sister to visit dad and see how he was feeling while he waited for surgery.

I had a strange reaction once I was at the hospital for a few minutes visitng dad. Now, I’m going to chalk this up to a few things: Heat, tiredness, hunger, a tube in dad’s nose, and some more hunger.

Yeah, I almost passed out. And then to make it worse, I threw up on dad’s bed and the floor. The nurse made me go to emergency to get checked out. I am fine and that’s all I’m going to say about that because…WHO DOES THAT?

Moving on. Dad went into surgery while I was in emerg. The surgery went as well as can be expected. They got the tumor which was smaller than they thought. The cancer does not seem to have spread and there is no detection of any cancer in the lymphnodes. This is all good news.

I haven’t seen dad since I exited the room in a wheel chair but I hear he’s doing really well. I’m going to call him later and hopefully get in to see him tonight when Mike gets home.

We were going to go in this morning with mom but C has been cutting 2 year molars and running a slight fever the last couple days. She also barfed again last night while I was at Awana. Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s the molars but I can’t take a chance on bringing her because dad has a high risk of infection and if he got anything, it could set him way back.

You know, you’d think I would have kicked my stubborness or found a way to breakdown that wall that I built between me and God in a situation like this but I either couldn’t do it, or didn’t know how to do it. It’s not like I didn’t want to, I just feel like I didn’ t know how. I know that sounds strange because it would sound strange to me if one of you said it. I have issues to sort through between me and my dad and the longer I can’t sort those, the more detached I become from him and God.

Anyway, those of you who I know IRL, thanks for your prayers for our family this week and those of you who are hearing about this for the first time and feel like you could spare a few prayers our way, that would be great. Mom and Dad are probably going to be facing some financial difficulty now that Dad can’t work for a few months.

I read the last chapters of Acts only once this week; last night, and I couldn’t put it down. Reading about Paul’s adventures was riveting. I loved it! He was so courageous and trusted that what God had for him was going to work out. I struggle tonnes with that. Especially lately. I have the attitude that God has given me more than I can handle but the key is, It’s always more than I can handle if I don’t let Jesus be part of the equation. Sometimes, when I can pray, I pray to be broken but then later I take it back because being broken is hard and scary and I’m not trusting him enough to take care of me.

Ok, I’ve typed enough for today. House work awaits me while C naps.

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If you don’t want to read about barf, you should go now

Today was one of those days that goes down as BUSY. My own fault really but it wasn’t a bad day, just full.

This morning C and I walked to the local Needs store for a loaf of bread so we could make something for lunch. Grocery day at lunch time is not the best time food wise to have mom over but we thought grilled chesse sandwiches all around would do just fine. All we needed was the ever important bread and we’d be good to go.

Mom was coming over so she could stay while C slept and I taught the second installment of Homeschool Phys ed class, which, may I add, I love. I’m not lying when I tell you that I have always wanted to be a Phys Ed teacher and that’s actually what I started out taking in University but that’s another story for another day.

Ok, back to mom coming over. C was asleep when I left and I thought she’d be ok when she woke up and grammy was there. Guess I was wrong. She was so upset, play-doh bribes wouldn’t even work. Mom had to load her up in the wagon and take her over to the field. Which ended in a whole confusing what-am-I-going-to-with-my-bike-now scenario. Mom wheeled it to her house.

So that was fine. Me and C came home and waited for Mike to bring supper. He does that on payday. I like it.  C ate a chicken nugget for the first time. She never eats meat unless it is in the form of a hot dog.

Directly after supper we hopped in the car and headed for Sobey’s for groceries. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that last night when I went to Awana, C had a meltdown as seems to be the new trend whenever I have to leave without her. So we thought groceries as a family might be the better option tonight instead of me leaving my poor, neglected child who only gets to see her mother every single day for almost every waking hour.

She was doing pretty well except for some preliminary car whining.

I’m going to skip the part where I saw a half dead cat on the road which caused me to have my own meltdown of drastic and dramatic proportions. I don’t want to think about it and will be spending the next 2 weeks trying to get the image out of my mind.

Anyway, about one-third of a cart of food in, she started in on the whining which is also very common lately and I was asking her to be quiet and she got WAY louder and really crying which I thought was attitude so since we were in a public place, I gave her a little pinch on the arm, turned around to see if Mike was still following, and turned back to see my little muffin losing her supper from the child seat of the grocery chart. I was wearing flip flops. There was splatter. It was not good. I was sort of stunned and just rubbed her back while she finished because it’s not like I had anything to catch it with. Ew.

There was a stock boy guy near by so I motioned him over and told him they might need a mop and bucket. He was really nice and went and got us a box of kleenex so we could clean C up a little.

After that she looked at me and said, “Oh, I made a mess in Sobey’s” which of course made me laugh a little because she obviously new that her OCD mom was worried about the mess we made.

We left our cart and came home. I’ll have to get groceries tomorrow.

In the car on the way home she kept saying, “Sorry I was sick mommy, sorry.” But her good mood came back almost immediatly so I can only guess that the chicken nugget did not enjoy it’s stay in hotel C and exited quickly. She didn’t need that McNugget anyway.

She polished off a bowl of dry cheerios while watching Go Diego Go and dancing in a way I can only describe as salsa-ish (all hips) so I hope that’s the end of barf for awhile.

Nothing like a good vomit story for your thoughts, eh?

And on a more pleasant note, I found the best jeans ever at walmart for the least I’ve ever paid. Oh joy! I know they are great because each time I’ve worn them, I’ve been told I was losing weight or looked skinny.

I heart them.

It’s gonna be hard not to wear them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

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Keepin ya posted

I guess that’s why they call it a ‘post’, eh?

Anyway, I know I said I would give you an update on how I was doing since my last post. I’ll be honest, I haven’t written anything because I don’t feel like I have anything to write. I really haven’t followed up very well on my quest to get back to Jesus’s side.

I like things to happen instantly and if they don’t, I tend to get really discouraged. So, of course, I am discouraged with myself and with my lack of dedication and with my apathy at times to what is really important. It’s kinda like that rut of disliking myself is just easier. Changing is hard. And even though I know I have to let God change me, my patience isn’t there to let Him do His work.

You know, I’ve struggled with some other things too this summer that satan is using against me for sure. At one point this summer, my faith was going away. And I don’t just mean my faith that God is in control of my life, I mean my actual faith that there is a God. I never thought I’d have those feelings again. I spent many years believing that there was no God and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have those doubts back.

The smart part of me knows that God is there and he loves me and wants to change me again because He’s done it before. I remember how He changed me and that it was totally not of my own power. But there’s that nagging in the back of my mind that just wants to doubt. I wish I knew why.

I had a really hard time with reading Genesis this summer. I just had SO many questions and there just seemed like so many things that didn’t make sense. And instead of just believing and knowing God can do anything, I spent time dwelling on alot of things that I don’t need to, but those things were what made my faith waver a little.

When I really take the time to sit and think about it, I know God is there, I know the Bible is truth, and I know God wants to work in me. I’m just kinda lost as to why He wants to and what I need to do to let Him do that work.

Dang. It’s way easier to be who I am and way harder to be the new creature God called me to be. I wish I could figure out what my resistance is. I want to know what’s holding me back. It sucks.

Well,  just a little blurb on how I’m actually doing. Not so good, eh?

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It’s been too long

I really should be in bed.

But I have to type this…not for you but mostly for me but feel free to come along 🙂

So I was just praying and can I be real honest and tell you that it has been a LONG time since I prayed whole heartedly like that. I’ve been in a bad place and even the BRF reading hasn’t helped. It’s much too long a story to get into tonight but I will tell you that I have spent a forever not praying for the simple fact that I felt guilty about not praying. Everytime I would try and pray, the guilt would overwhelm me and I just couldn’t continue. It’s an evil, vicious cycle and I’m sure Satan has been real happy about it.

Anyway, As Christians, we eventually come to point of do or die. So I bowed my head in shame, battled through the feelings of guilt, and tried to find Jesus on the other side of the wall I built over the last few years. And of course, He was there and man did I feel peace. I haven’t felt that in a LONG time. I started just talking to God, like I used to. None of that “please bless so and so” and blah, blah, blah. I just poured out my heart. I started telling Him how hard it was for me to swallow my pride (cuz that’s what it is for me). Then it hit me. It isn’t hard. It doesn’t have to be hard. That’s why He’s there. He’ll take my burden.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how hard it is going to be for me to change the ways I’ve slipped back into. How hard it is for me to give up control (the major issue that I will always struggle with). How hard it is for me to not try and be the head of my family. How hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut when I know I’m just going to say something mean or hurtful. How hard it is for me to forgive things that happened in the past that I have been letting rule and ruin my life.

And again. “It’ s not hard”, He said. “You pray and I’ll change your heart.” It was like I heard God say that right to my heart.

Guys, I’m tellin ya. HE CHANGED ME COMPLETLY ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO AND I LET MYSELF GO ALMOST ALL THE WAY BACK! What have I been thinking?

So I know this post is a bit random but it’s time I quit the charade. All that “funny” writing I did over the summer? Just there to hide a lot of pain and self hatred. It’s true. I still have the pain and I don’t like myself one little bit but at least tonight I see a light. I didn’t see any light for awhile. I lost sight of the light. I know it sounds drastic and probably dramatic but I’m not writing for laughs, or comments, or anything other than to be honest and make a new start.

Hold me accountable. Ask my if I’m really praying. I don’t know if anyone noticed because it’s been a busy summer but I even lately started pulling away from alot of you who know me. I didn’t want you to see through me and see the hypocrit I am. It’s easier to run the other way. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be transparent so I can be held accountable. God can see right through us so why should we hide from our brothers and sisters who could help?

I’m going to try and keep blogging honestly from now on. Pray for me. I’ll let you know how I’m doing.

Pressing “publish” is going to be tough.

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I’m ready to drink warm things

I’ve been a bad blogger lately, eh? So much going on, not alot of time for typing. Or a lot of brain cells for that matter. I’ve been unusually tired lately for some reason. And for all of you who are going to say, “maybe you’re pregnant.” I’m not 🙂 I think it’s just a matter of too much going on.

When the end of August neared, I dreaded the fact that fall was just around the corner. I had just gotten used to the heat and sun and wasn’t ready to let it go. But, after we got back from out short trip to PEI, I felt ready to let Autumn in and enjoy the colors and cooler temperatures. We are still waiting for the colors and the cooler temperatures. The weekend was HOT. Although, today with the rain, things are cooling down.

I feel like once the colder weather comes it will force us to slow down. Force us to stay in, drink warm things, and curl up in blankets. I think I fool myself. Let me live in the hopes of that for a minute ok? I think I need to learn to say no. The problem is, I don’t like saying no. Seven and I were talking about this yesterday when we chatted for a moment in her driveway as her little homeschoolers learned about how birds fly. Saying no makes me feel guilty. Especially if I have already said yes and then realize I’ve said yes too many times and booked up a whole week. Shannon’s been talking about this alot at her blog lately and I think she makes alot of sense. About how it affects the family if we do too much out and not enough in with them. I guess I need to learn how to say no in the first place. By nature, I’m always afraid I’m going to miss out on something fun. Maybe that’s a fault of mine.

Anyway, enough of me trying to analyze myself for now. I also spend too much time in my head lately trying to figure myself out. *Sigh*, just when I thought I was getting it all together. I’m not. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I think I’ve busied myself on purpose in alot of ways so that I can have an “excuse” for being away from The One I should be closest to. That’s Jesus in case you didn’t get it.

I don’t feel like being any more honest than that today 🙂 Maybe later. If I have time.

PS: I know my previous post was similar in nature but I guess I’m still mulling it all over in my brain.

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Rest? Peace? Where are you?

I sorta forgot that I sometimes write a post or two here.

It’s been a crazy week or eight. And just when I was all, “Ahhhh, September shall bring rest and peace,” I looked at my calendar to realize I have booked myself pretty solid this month. When will I learn? As a rule I like being busy, but I also like to rest once in awhile. I think once I get us into the routine of things, it’ll be ok. Most of the things I’m doing (moms and tots, homeschool PE class) are things I’ll enjoy and take place during the day so they won’t upset the delicate balance of supper and evening.

Ok, you got me, there is no delicate balance to my suppers.

Anyway, our trip to Prince Edward Island was really nice. C travelled pretty well for the most part and we got to go to the beach and visited some relatives. Not bad for two days.  I was going to try and blog stories from our trip but I honestly can’t remember any of the things that would make a funny post. I really should start writing this stuff down. In case I ever have time to type. I put together a photo journal on Kodak so if you want to see the pics leave me a comment or an email and we’ll talk 🙂

I’m suffering from second-day-tiredness-syndrome again. Some people take the next day directly after they return from a trip to be tired or recover, but not me. I like to let the adrenaline take over for a day and then crash the next. Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t have to look after anyone elses kiddos today…I was sleepy. C’s been in a super great mood since we got back though. I didn’t know if upsetting her normal routine would affect her much or not. Apparently not. Cool.

Anyway, I’m going to bed early tonight. I have to if I’m going to function tomorrow.

And that is all.

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