Ok, so this 2 Thess is already getting to me. Honestly people, i may have expected to not be moved by the Word of God. Probably because I havne’t spent anytime in It lately and one can forget very quickly how much one needs the Word of God to have a decent life. It is true, my life has not been very wonderful lately. Depression knocks on the door and self hatred is right there with it. And I know, because of prior experience, that this is not what I want. I see my good habits slipping out the window and laziness and anger rushing in to take over. Sounds dismal but it’s true. So why have I let myself slide back this far? i really stinkin don’t know. I’ve been there before and it was horrible…so why didn’t I do the things it takes to keep those things off my doorstep? I wish I knew the answer. I know Satan works very hard to make me feel worthless. That’s what he does to me and I’m letting him win, in fact, he barely has to work at all, I’m just giving in. And every thought I let Satan put in my head means he knows he can get another one in there because my guard is down. it’s a very vicious cycle. Then there is a whole boat load of reasons I come up with that keeps me away from bringing all these things to the Lord…I believe satan when he makes me think God won’t care. what the heck? i know better than that. I need to start acting better in my head, and then my home…home is where my two most important people here on Earth see me everyday and they don’t see a very nice wife and mommy most of the time. I’ve got to change it now because Chloe is too young to remember me like this. And if I don’t change, there is a way huge chance that she will follow in my footsteps and that terrifies me.
By no coincidence, there have been many things over the past few days that have encouraged me to try to change…pastor Horton’s message tonight was on Psalm 101. I liked his analogy that it sounded like a university class title because there is much in that scripture that Christians should apply to thier lives. Verse 2 especially stuck out to me: “I will be careful to live a blameless life – when will you come to my aid? I will lead a life of integrity in my own home.” (NLT version) Especially the last part about my own home. that’s HUGE! That’s the place to be my best, to rely on God the most because my family is what matters here. If I can’t control my anger and be functional at home then I am a hypocrite because I don’t act like that in public. I never wanted to be hypocritical because that was my excuse as a teenager for steering away from christianity, I knew so many hypocrites. Anyway, I’m wandering a little because it’s late and I think I may have lost my point. Give me a minute here…. ok, so I’m realizing that I have a lot of work to do. But I think I am taking steps in the right direction. I am reading 2 thess every night this week and I will do my review on Friday and I know God is speaking to me through His word. because that’s what He does…why am I so surprised? I really ran myself off the course the last year or so. Alright people, U-turn!
Ok, that’s enough heavy duty thinking for me…blogging is so not my spiritual gift but I really needed to get that out in some form. Please forgive me for being a hypocrite.